I have this friend. Let's call her Natasha. We worked together and became fast friends. We both like to laugh, and have the same sense of humour. She's a little younger, and little more dramatic, and so much fun. We have children around the same age, and the families got so close, they actually thought they were cousins. :-) Which we thought so cute.
When she was pregnant with her last baby, she left the company, and went to a more high profile job. Of course we still remained friends - I was asked to be Godmother to her daughter. We talked on the phone.
And then we talked on the phone less. We'd plan to meet and then it would fall through. Worse... we'd plan to go somewhere. She'd bail. Then I'd hear that she was there anyway. With friends from her new job. No biggie. I really didn't think much of it at first. Until it started happening more and more.
And when I thought back, I realized there was kind of a trend. She'd never really lose track of her friends. But once she moved on from University, Job, whatever, the friends got left behind for the new friends she made at her new job.
To her credit, she made friends with really nice people. Many of whom I remain friends with today. Even though the initial connection that brought us together seems so fickle.
I just put it down to just getting caught up with the circumstances of life, and I put it down to personality. We would still talk from time to time. If we saw each other somewhere we'd talk for ages. No hard feelings. That's life.
Then last week, I got a call from a friend of mine who had become friends through me with this girl. Apparently, my friend had called Natasha about something, and during the course of the conversation, had been invited to bring her daughter over to a party at Natasha's daughter's school later that day. The girls had become very close and would have sleepovers and the like.
Close to party time, my friend kept calling Natasha only to find that she was no longer answering her phone. When she went by her house where they were to meet, no Natasha. And she never answered her phone for the rest of the day. Faced with an utterly devastated child, my friend shot off an email to Natasha telling her how disappointed her daughter was. She received a reply - that the plans weren't hard and fast and she never heard from them, so she didn't realize that the child had been expecting to go to the party. Huh?
Hurt and confused, my friend then called me.
I knew all too well what she meant. It had happened to me countless times. The plans. The urging - "Now don't set me up! We're on for this!" And then come time for the party or meeting or whatever, no answer. Once I even got as close as to be parked right outside her house, watching her car parked in the yard, and no answer on cell or on house phone. Needless to say I turned around and went back home with my lesson learnt.
But when it happened to me... I don't know. Somehow I was just able to put it behind me and hold no grudges. Now that it's happened to my forever friend that I've known since I was a little child.... it's taken hold of me. I feel a sadness and disappointment in my spirit. I think because this time it involved a child, it really really bothers me.
I explained to this friend that she shouldn't hold it against Natasha. I told her about experiences I had had, but that I thought that sometimes Natasha just didn't know how to say she'd gotten herself into a situation with conflicting plans. Or she didn't want to disappoint. All of which I believe.
I told her that she was still a sweet girl, and she didn't know how to say no, and would sometimes over-volunteer, and then hide from the ensuing confrontation. All of which I believe.
Don't I?
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26 comments:
Natasha is a bad friend. It doesn't matter how nice and attentive she is while you're "in favour", how she treats people afterward is a disgrace. You shouldn't have to make excuses about her when she's let down a child. That is really really off.
I think you are very nice and cute Natasha a lot of slack. She may be fun and likeable, but she is not dependable. Friendship requires trust and she seems to fall short time and time again.
I've "broken up" with a friend for almost exactly these reasons. It hurts your heart, but life is too short, especially when kids are involved.
What a yucky situation.
I would find it hard to continue a friendship with someone like that. I think I'd change over to a more casual, catch up on the phone every so often relationship, and make plans with other friends instead.
That is really disappointing, but I think you have the right attitude.. don't take it personally, just chalk it up to her own issues, and move forward a little wiser.
Oh, the superficiality of some folks, huh? I've been abandoned by friends before...it's just no fun. But I really don't understand this gal's motivation. Attention, or what?
Wow, I don't think I would be sticking up for this girl. It really sounds to me like she wants to have a lot of friends and a lot of plans all of the time, but she doesn't know how to be a friend herself. So sorry about all of the ditched dates you had to go through, and I'm really sorry about your friend and her child. It's always sad when a child gets their feelings hurt.
Friendships are so hard...but I do think that Natasha is not the kind of friend anyone needs. Sometimes we have to face oursleves and deal with the commitments we've made,one way or another. Going AWOL is not acceptable. It's too bad that it had to happen to a little girl. :(
This reminds me of a 'friend' I have. We are close in a sense but she's behaves more a friend when only when she needs something otherwise I seldom hear from her. Even when we try to get out for an evening, there is no commitment.. if and when she turns up great....But when she has problems she needs me and I must make time. I have accepted that I'll be there when she needs me. That's life ..it takes all kinds.
Hope all are well..
BM
I have family members who are like this. I can tolerate it but disappointing my kids is unacceptable. I've had to make it clear to more than one person, they are either in their life or not.
That is sad. I hate to hear when women just can't pull off a friendship.
It happens though, but it just does not feel good at all.
Thank you so much for your lovely and precious comment on my blog :)
Have a beautiful day !!!
xoxo
At first I thought maybe she was just one of those "friends of convenience"- that we're great friends with b/c we happen to work together or be in the same place all the time.
But, with the second part of your post, about her bailing...yuck. Not a good friend at all.
Wow...I thought I was a pretty forgiving person, but you are amazing. I think this girlie needs a wake up call! The world does NOT, as she would care ot believe, revolve around her! OCCASSIONAL double plans, missed dates, fine, whatever, it happens to all of us. But to CONSISTANTLY be like that is a CHOICE, make no mistake.
And to let down a CHILD like that, when it's KNOWN behavior. That's unacceptable.
Stopping by from SITS
Kerri
www.sickofmg.blogspot.com
I think I've been burned by your friend "Natasha" too. My daughter still talks about "Natasha's" daughter. I tell her that her friend's mommy is too busy to be friends with us anymore. Personally, I don't believe that "too busy" bit. When we lived in the same neighborhood she always had time. Sometimes people just were never real friends in the first place.
I've never had quite that type of situation but we have a friend (half of a couple) that we were so close to for a long time but then the calls and return calls stopped. Nothing happened and ocassionally we get together. But when I look back I see it is a pattern with him with friends. I don't get it. When you are in my heart, you are there forever. But not everyone is like that.
And I am so like you about letting things slide when someone hurts me (to a point anyway) but hurt someone I care about and that's a different story.
I think I would re-categorize Natasha from the "friend" category to the "acquaintance" category, on a generous day. On a not so generous day, I would sever my ties with her, but try to maintain my relationship with my goddaughter by calling to ask to see her. Not to spend time with Natasha, but the child. Her treatment of people sucks.
My brother in law is just like Natasha.
I had a conversation about him with my hubby last night and he informed me that if you just realize that that is how they are...you will never be disappointed which I think is a load of crap.
Stopping by from SITS...
I have a friend like this in my life. She's always late, she doesn't apologize, and yet she expects a lot in return. For a long time, like you, I put up with it and ended up hurt. But again, like you, I eventually realized that's just who she is. It's the reason she & I never were close, and never will be.
~Elizabeth
http://confessionsfromaworkingmom.blogspot.com
Natasha reminds me of myself. I used to volunteer to do things and meet up with friends, but the closer it came to that time..the more I dreaded it and I didn't know how to just say "I don't want to!"
Its a tough situation..sometimes you realize what you're doing...sometimes you don't. It took a lot for me to start saying no or "I'm not making any promises!"
You sound like a very forgiving friend...that Natasha doesn't deserve or appreciate.
Some people suck at being friends. Natasha sounds like one of those people. That's why I love ifriends soooo much:)
I have divorced many friends for their lack of, well, being a friend. They want you to listen and give advice, but when you're the one in need - they are no where to be found. Oh well!!
Happy Sunday SITStah!! Hope you have a great week!!
~Working Mommy
Come on by, stay for a while and leave a comment or two!! See you there!
have definitely been like natasha more than once in my life. she has people like you, forgiving friends, that are unconditional.
I don't know. People like Natasha seem a little too self-absorbed for me. at this point in my life, I just can't.
and breaking that kid's heart would really be the last straw for me.
you are a nice person, I just know that there are certain people who continue to burn you, but only if you let them.
great post.
Wow. May I just say, you are much better person than I am? Heck, you are a much better person than most. I do believe that when it involved a child, it became unforgivable.
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